


Pack The Old Love Letters Up

by Nightwing11



Series: Fly Me To The Moon [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Actor Poe Dameron, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Deception, Drinking, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Making Up, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 15:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6759550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightwing11/pseuds/Nightwing11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn gets it in his head (with some help) that Poe would be better off without him. So, he leaves, wanting to do what's right for Poe. </p><p>However, after three months, Finn realizes that maybe leaving Poe wasn't the best thing for either of them after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pack The Old Love Letters Up

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, all, so if you've never read any of my other stuff, you should know that I am an angst writer. And I've chosen to go back to my roots with this one. 
> 
> So, apologies for the angst.

Finn’s whole body froze as he heard the door open and close downstairs, Poe laughing as he greeted BB-8. He had hoped to be done by the time the actor returned home, hoped he could just leave him a note telling him it was over so he didn’t have to face the man.

 

Because, quite frankly, he didn’t know if he’d have the strength to leave if he was faced with Poe himself.

 

Yes, he knew leaving was what was best for Poe. He had seen how much more anxious the man had become over the past two months, how much more present the paparazzi had been in their lives since Poe had admitted to seeing Finn during an interview with Trevor Noah. 

 

And, then, of course, Poe hadn’t gotten the Zorro part he’d been eyeing for months (potentially years, since he had been a fan of the franchise since he was a kid) and then he had missed out. He had been rejected from the role, and according to his agent, Sheev Palpatine, the reason was because of Finn.

 

Apparently, Finn’s presence had lowered Poe’s marketability and increased the amount of hate mail that Poe had received. Being with someone so  _ insignificant,  _ as Sheev had said, had caused Poe to lose appeal in the public eye, thus making him less likely to be chose for roles. 

 

Sheev then when on to point out to Finn that the best thing he could do for Poe was to leave him and let him find someone who would actually be helpful to his career.

 

And as much as it hurt Finn to admit, he knew he had never been worthy of Poe. The man had been out of his league even before Finn knew he was Poe - Emmy Award Winner-Dameron. He loved Poe with his whole heart of course, that was without question, but Finn leaving was what was best for Poe.

 

(And, perhaps part of it was preemptive, knowing that once Poe attributed the decline of his career to Finn he’d leave.) But, regardless of his love, he refused to be an anchor dragging Poe down to the bottom. 

 

And Finn knew that Poe would find someone better, someone more worthy of his amazingness. 

 

That didn’t mean that it hurt Finn any less, that it didn’t feel like he’d just been stabbed in the heart and the knife twisted around like a windmill. But, he knew that he had to put Poe’s well-being in front of his heart, even if that meant going through with this.

 

And as he heard Poe’s happy steps coming up the stairs, he closed his eyes, swallowing past the lump in his throat. Steeling himself, he zipped up his duffle bag and turned to face the door. 

 

Poe skidded around the corner, bright smile on his face. And Finn had to look away as the smile dropped once Poe caught sight of his duffle bag.

“ _ Corazon _ ,” and god, if Finn’s heart didn’t crack at the familiar nickname. “What’s going on?”

 

“I, um…” Finn had to blink back tears, eyes glued to the ceiling. “This isn’t working out.” And the lie felt so bitter on his tongue.

 

“What?” Poe asked, sounding like he had been punched in the gut. “Finn, I don’t-” 

 

“I can’t do this.” Finn muttered, grabbing his bag as he walked past Poe. 

 

“Finn, wait.” Poe said, a frantic, desperate edge to his voice. He grabbed Finn’s arm, halting him. “Just, stop. Please. Tell me what’s going on.” 

  
“Poe, this was… we can’t do this anymore.” 

 

“Why?”

 

“I just can’t, okay?” Finn snapped, trying desperately to mask his pain behind a layer of anger. “It’s best if we just call it quits now.” 

 

Finn pulled his arm free and headed  toward the stairs, only to be stopped by Poe grabbing his arm once more, BB-8 standing behind him, looking confused and slightly afraid. 

 

“Whatever it is, we can make it work. We can fix this.  _ I  _ can fix this. Just, talk to me, please.” And the tears falling unabashed down Poe’s cheeks were almost enough to break Finn’s resolve. But knowing it was for the best, he willed himself to continue. Just a few more steps, a few more sentences and he’d be out the door and Poe could start to heal.

 

“There’s nothing to fix, Poe. Sometimes things just don’t work out. I’m sorry.” 

 

Finn was much gentler this time as he pulled his arm away.

 

“Please don’t leave.” Poe barely whispered, voice cracking and fragile, as though a glimpse into his heart’s current state. “I love you. So much.” 

 

Finn sighed, leaning forward to give Poe a quick kiss on the forehead. “I love you too, Rocket Man.” He pulled back and smiled sadly. “But sometimes that’s just not enough.”

 

He started down the stairs, ignoring Poe calling his name and the sobs that followed.

 

* * *

 

Finn also  ignored the dozens of texts and calls he got that night. Most from Poe, asking  _ What did I do wrong?  _ and  _ I’m sorry, whatever I did I’ll fix it  _ and  _ I love you  _ and perhaps the most heartbreaking for Finn:  _ Please, just talk to me. Please.  _

 

After that one, he had to block Poe’s number, knowing his resolve would break otherwise. 

 

He ignored the calls from Leia and Han outright, deleting the voicemails without listening to them. 

 

Rey came to his apartment, demanding answers, but eventually gave up when Finn broke down sobbing in her arms. He wouldn’t tell her why he left, wouldn’t risk her telling Poe. Rey made her displeasure known, but promised Finn she wouldn’t leave him, knowing she was now one of the only people he had in this world.

 

* * *

 

Finn refused to ask about Poe, so he never knew how Han had ended up staying with him for a week because he and Leia were so worried.

 

He never knew that Leia eventually cancelled an appearance at a rally because she wanted to be home to support Poe.

 

He didn’t know how, for the first few weeks, Poe barely ate or slept, only doing so when Leia guilted him into it. 

 

Finn never knew how terrible the reasoning in Poe’s head for his departure was.

 

* * *

 

It had been three months since Finn had left Poe. 

 

Three month since Finn had eaten ice cream (it only served to remind him of his first day with Poe, turning the decadent treat bitter.)

 

Three months since Finn had found any dog hair on his clothes, and he never even thought it was possible that he would miss that.

 

Three months since Poe had woken him by cuddling him too tightly in his sleep, as though even then he was scared that Finn would slip through his fingers.

 

Three months since Finn had come home to Poe strumming on his guitar.

 

Three months since Finn could stomach looking at the stars.

 

No, Finn’s last three months had been spent zoning out and staring at walls, putting on Netflix just to have background noise, but not even noticing what was on. (Except the night it had jumped to a show Poe had been in. That had been a bad night and Finn only felt slightly guilty he could hardly remember due to all the alcohol he had put into his system.)

 

So, tonight was just like any other night, Finn trying (and failing) to focus on another mindless show when he heard his door unlock.  

 

Rey stormed past him, without even a “hi” or her typical hug. 

 

“Rey?” She didn’t even turn to face him as she flipped open Finn’s laptop. “Rey, what’s wrong?”

 

Rey turned her gaze upon him and Finn could feel himself shrink back, not wanting to face the fierce anger and frustration that lingered there. However, she must have deemed him not worth the time it took to glare at him, looking back to the laptop instead.

 

“What’s wrong is that you are an utter wanker.”

 

“What’d I do this time?” He braved her anger enough to walk beside her.

 

Apparently she had found what she was looking for. “Watch this.” 

 

“What is-”

 

Rey stood from the chair, grabbing Finn by the shoulders and shoving him into the seat she just vacated. “Watch.”

 

Finn glanced at the screen, not willing to risk Rey’s anger, but he stopped short, seeing the title of the video: “Poe Dameron sings on Jimmy Fallon.” 

 

He tried to stand. “Rey, I can’t-”

 

“This isn’t about you.” Rey snapped, pushing him back down into the chair. “You will watch this, realize how much of a bloody arsehole you’re being, and go fix this.”

 

Rey started the video, ignoring how Finn shrunk back in his seat, having been avoiding all things Poe related since their break up. 

 

However, his own personal discomfort was quickly forgotten as he took sight of Poe, because Poe...Poe looked fucking awful.

 

(I mean, don’t get Finn wrong, he was still the hottest man Finn had ever seen, but this wasn’t  _ his  _ Poe.)

 

Firstly, Poe looked pale and skinny, far skinnier than any role he was up for in the next few months (okay, maybe he hadn’t been so great at avoiding Poe-related news as he had wanted to be - sue him). There were dark, heavy circles under his eyes, and Finn knew how high-quality the makeup was they used on those talk shows was, so if this is how he looked  _ after  _ the “makeup magicians” (as Poe always called them) did their work and the editors in the back touched-up his appearance…

 

The worst, however, was Poe’s smile. Because it wasn’t real. The clip was clearly in the middle of the interview, which Poe was always all smiles during. 

 

But this smile wasn’t his signature smirk or his shit-eating grin he got after making some sort of innuendo. The grin didn’t reach his eyes. It looked hollow, empty, as though if you broke Poe open you would find nothing but pain inside. 

 

_ “Now, it’s kind of common knowledge by this point that you’ve got an amazing voice. You’ve been on Broadway and even in a few Oscar-nominated musicals. So, not to put you on the spot or anything, but…”  _ Jimmy reached behind his chair and grabbed a guitar. 

 

_ “Would you play a little something for us?”  _

 

The corner of Poe’s mouth fell slightly, only for a brief moment (and, no no no. That’s not right. Poe loves playing the guitar. It always makes him relaxed and happier) before that damned fake grin was back on his face again. 

 

_ “Sure.”  _

 

(And what the hell, Poe? No sass? No snark? This…) Finn was suddenly glad Rey had forced him to sit, because the weight of seeing a broken Poe Dameron was too much.

 

And the camera panned the crowd, all grinning with anticipation. Because Poe always played the goofiest, funniest songs. He got the crowd singing or dancing, would sometimes even take the guitar  _ into  _ the crowd to make sure they were into it. (And Finn wanted to smack all of them, because how could they not see how much Poe was hurting? Why would they make him act like some dancing monkey when he was obviously so close to falling apart.)

 

Poe strummed a few chords on the guitar, before glancing up. And Finn white-knuckled the edge of the desk as he already saw the moisture gathering in his eyes. 

 

_ Love writes a letter and sends it to hate. _ __  
_ My vacations ending. I'm coming home late. _ __  
_ The weather was fine and the ocean was great _ _  
_ __ and I can't wait to see you again.

 

Poe’s voice was rougher than usual, as though he hadn’t used it much lately, or perhaps it was the exhaustion that weighed his shoulders down. 

  
_ Hate reads the letter and throws it away. _ __  
_ "No one here cares if you go or you stay. _ __  
_ I barely even noticed that you were away. _ _  
_ __ I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

 

Finn didn’t even registered the confusion and surprise that crossed Jimmy’s face, his entire being focused on how heartbreakingly sad Poe looked.    
  
_ Hate sits alone on the hood of his car. _ _  
_ _ Without much regard to the moon or the stars. _

 

Poe’s voice cracked on the last word. And ( _ No, Poe, sweetheart. Fuck.)  _ Finn brought a fist to his mouth to bite back a sob as he thought about the many nights he and Poe had spent cuddled close, stargazing, with Poe excitedly pointing out all the different constellations and nearby stars.

 

_ Lazily killing the last of a jar _ __  
_ of the strongest stuff you can drink. _   
  
_ Love takes a taxi, a young man drives. _ __  
_ As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes. _ __  
_ But tears follow after, at the end of the ride, _ __  
__ cause he might never see her again.   
  


And, God, his heart shattered as he watched Poe look up toward the ceiling, rapidly blinking back tears. Finn couldn’t stop his own tears from falling at this point. 

  
Finn stared at the screen for a moment, tears falling down his cheeks, cursing himself to hell and back for having believed that this breakup would be a good idea. He should have talked to Poe instead of packing a bag. He should have answered truthfully - hell, given any reason at all - when Poe asked why he was leaving. 

 

He should have answered one of Poe’s dozens of phone calls. And he shouldn’t have ignored his own heart breaking for so long. 

 

He slammed the laptop shut and quickly stood, wiping at his tears as he headed toward the door.

 

“Where are you going?” questioned Rey.

 

“Where do you think? I’m going to Poe’s. To fix this.” 

 

“He’s not there.”

 

Finn turned on his heels, eyes wide and scared. He started firing questions at Rey rapidly, his hands eventually reaching up to grip her shoulders. “What? Where is he? Is he okay? Is he hurt?” (Oh, God. He can’t be hurt. I’ve got to fix this. I’ve got to-)

 

“He’s at Han and Leia’s house up north. He even left BB-8, said everything was too much at the moment.”

 

“Shit. Shit.” Finn turned and punched the wall, hard, before letting his forehead rest against it. 

 

“That isn’t going to help.” Rey said, handing Finn her car keys.

 

“I have my own car.” 

 

“Yes, but mine has a full tank of gas and does better in the snow. Now go. It’s late and you’ve got a two hour drive ahead of you.”

 

“What do I say to him?” 

 

“What do you want to say to him?”

 

“That I’m sorry.” Finn looked up at him, eyes welling with tears. “And I miss him...so fucking much.”

 

“Then say that.” Rey gave him a tight hug. “It’ll be fine.” She pushed him toward the door. “There’s a key to the cabin in my center console.” 

 

“Thank you.” Finn called over his shoulder as he sprinted toward the car. 

 

“Wait, Finn! Get your phone and your jacket. Dammit, Finn!” she called out to him, objects in hand as she chased him out the door.

 

* * *

 

Finn knocked on the cabin door a few times. Yeah, he had a key, but he didn’t want to just come inside with warning. Because, as much as he hated to admit it, he had hurt Poe. So announcing himself before he just barged into whatever safe haven Poe had carved out for himself would probably be for the best. 

 

However, unease twisted in his chest when Poe didn’t answer. There was no movement on the other side - the only indication that Poe was there was his Jeep parked in the driveway.

 

Hands shaking, knowing he was about to be the closest he’d been to Poe in the past few months, he unlocked the door and let himself in. 

 

“Poe?” he called out questioningly, but heard nothing in response. “Poe, come on. I know you’re here.”

 

The knots in his stomach increased tenfold as he noticed all the empty and half-emptied liquor bottles along the counter. He hurried through the house, checking every room. By the time he checked the last room, he was sprinting.

 

“Poe!” The actor couldn’t have gone anywhere without his Jeep, given there were no ubers or taxis in the area. But the idea of Poe (who, judging by the alcohol scattered throughout the apartment, was well on his way to wasted) was wandering around outside somewhere sent panic through Finn’s heart.

 

He flung open the door to the backyard, hurrying outside as he called Poe’s name.

 

However, his blood ran as cold as the mountain air when his eyes landed on Poe. He breathed out the older man’s name as the oxygen was punched out of his gut. 

 

The older man was laying on the cold, hard ground, his form unmoving, bottles of liquor and beer scattered around him. 

 

Panic seized every cell in Finn’s body, unsure if Poe was sleeping or unconscious or… no, no, Finn refused to even consider the last option. 

 

After a long, agonizing second (perhaps it was longer, perhaps shorter. Finn’s brain was in too much of an overload to effectively tell time) Finn’s legs finally got with the program, overcoming the panic that gripped him as he rushed toward his ex.

 

“Poe. POE!” he screamed, sliding to his knees beside the man. He went to shake him, but since he wasn’t sure  _ why _ Poe was immobile, he decided against moving him too much. Using his teeth, he pulled the glove free from his right hand, trembling fingers pressing against Poe’s neck to check for a pulse. “Please,” he begged past the lump in his throat. 

 

As soon as his hand made contact with Poe’s neck, the actor groaned, mumbling something as he fidgeted a little, then fell back into his alcohol-induced slumber.

 

Finn let out a loud breath he hadn’t even known he was holding before falling forward, resting his forehead against Poe’s. 

 

Poe was alive. Poe was breathing. Poe would have a hangover in the morning and probably a nasty cold, but would be fine.

 

Finn took a few more deep breaths, grateful for Rey teaching him meditation techniques all those months ago, fighting off the edges of a panic attack.

 

Gently, as if he were transporting fine jewels, he pulled Poe to his chest, lifting him off the ground, his heart breaking at how cold Poe was. He shushed the actor as he snuggled toward him, burying his face in his chest. 

 

“Shhhh. It’s okay,” Finn cooed, kissing the top of Poe’s head, knowing that once the man was awake he might never get the chance again, before he carried him to the house. 

 

Inside, Finn placed Poe on the couch, quickly covering him with every blanket within arm’s reach. (Which was like, five. Thank God Han was always complaining about being cold.) He did his best to ignore the tiny whine that escaped Poe’s throat as Finn untangled the older man’s hands from his shirt.

 

“Shhhh. You’re okay, Poe. You’re okay,” he promised, running a hand through those dark curls. The older man moved into the touch, still sound asleep, before falling silent and motionless once more.

 

Poe’s slumber, however, did nothing to deter Finn from sending reassurances the older man’s ways, constantly reminding Poe that he was alive, that he’d warm up, that he’d be fine (Yeah, the assurances were far more for Finn than the sleeping Poe) as he walked over to start a fire.

 

Soon, the fireplace was roaring, basking the room in a warm, cozy aura. Finn then hurried into the nearest bedroom, grabbing the mattress (and thank God it was a full bed, not a Queen) from the frame and dragging it in front of the fireplace. He then grabbed another four blankets and set them on the floor.

 

He gathered some water bottles from the fridge and aspirin from the cupboard, knowing Poe would need them both upon waking.

 

Once back in the living room, he gently lifted Poe off the couch and set the older man on the mattress, covering him with the near dozen blankets he had found.

 

Finn then laid himself on the floor between the fireplace and the mattress, making sure that Poe wouldn’t accidently roll into the flames. Propped up on one elbow, he ran his hand through Poe’s hair, muttering more assurances as the man slept on, the blue tint to his skin and frozen tear tracts slowly fading in the heat of the flames. 

 

* * *

 

Finn would like to say he slept. That he gave into the urge to crawl onto the mattress beside Poe and curl tightly around him (for body heat, of course) and hold him until they both caught up on the sleep they had missed the past few months. Because, if the bags under Poe’s eyes were anything to go off of, he’d been missing as much sleep as Finn had been. 

 

But, he didn’t know if Poe would be okay with that. WIth the contact, the cuddling, the closeness that Finn had been aching for since he walked out of Poe’s door. 

  
Instead, Finn sat (and occasionally laid) beside the mattress, running his hand through Poe’s hair, over his back and arms (to increase circulation, because Poe was cold), unable to keep his eyes off Poe.

 

Finally, about six hours later, Poe began to stir, groaning as he did. 

 

Finn shot up, sitting ramrod straight as Poe rejoined the land of the living.

 

The actor slammed his eyes shut as soon as he tried to open them, his hand holding his head as he groaned again. 

 

Smiling sadly at the nostalgia of how much Poe hated mornings, Finn grabbed a water and the bottle of aspirin, the pills clattering against one another as he went to open the lid.

 

Poe’s eyes flew open, growing wide as they landed on the other man. “Finn” slipped past his lips, awe-inspired and so fucking broken that Finn’s heart broke once more, as he hurriedly tried to sit up.

 

“Hey, hey,” Finn whispered, hands going out to steady Poe, though the touch was tentative and brief, as unsure as Finn was. “Easy. You had a rough night.”

 

“Finn?” Poe questioned again, as though he wasn’t believing Finn was truly there. “Am I-”

 

And Finn had almost forgotten how easily he could read Poe, to be able to pinpoint exactly what the older man needed. “No, Poe.” He reached down and grabbed his ex’s hand, resting it against his own cheek. “You’re awake. I’m here.”

 

“Shit,” Poe sighed out after a moment, taking his hand away and covering his face. 

 

“Take these.” Finn handed him the pills and water, making sure their fingers didn’t brush.

 

Poe quickly took the offered drink and aspirin, downing the pills and a good half of the bottle. He then turned disbelieving eyes back to Finn, looking at him as though he were a specter. “You’re here.”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said quietly. For the first time since their meeting at the park, he was unsure of how to interact around Poe.

 

Of course, Finn knew what he  _ wanted  _ to do. It was the same urge he’d been fighting since Poe’s door had closed behind him - an urge that had only grown since he watched the YouTube video a little more than eight hours prior. 

  
What he wanted was to pull Poe into his arms. To smother him in kisses, to hold him tight against his chest. He wanted to feed his boyfriend ( _ ex- _ boyfriend, Finn. Get your shit together.) until his ribs were no longer visible. Rub his back and shoulders until the tension bled out of his body. He wanted to hold Poe as he slept - slept until the dark circles under his eyes disappeared and the exhaustion was no longer etched into his features. 

 

Finn could see the moment Poe truly registered that his was all real - that Finn was there in the cabin with him, that he had drank half a liquor store (and the perfect bastard probably didn’t have much of a hangover, because Poe only ever got minor ones) before passing out. 

 

The exhaustion and awe and longing from before quickly morphed into terror and humiliation (and Finn’s heart broke that his presence caused Poe to look like that.)

 

“Shit.” Poe muttered, ducking his head before he rushed to throw off the blankets. “Shit, shit.” 

 

He made to stand, his hurry and the lingering affects of the cold and alcohol led his legs to be tangled in the blankets. 

 

“Poe!” Finn shouted, arms shooting out on instinct, steadying the older man. However, he quickly dropped his hands when Poe jerked away like he’d been burnt. “Calm down.”

 

“No, no. You can’t...it’ll ruin everything.” Poe made a move to walk away, but Finn stopped him, worried about how unsteady he was on his feet. 

 

“Poe…”

 

“Why didn’t Rey come? Or Han. I don’t want  _ you  _ to see me like this.”

 

“I saw when you were puking your guts up with the flu. This is nothing.”

 

“I’ve been trying to be better.” Poe quickly assured him. “I’ve been going to the gym more and eating better. And, I-I’ve been taking acting classes.”

 

“Okay.” Finn wasn’t sure where this conversation was going, because Poe didn’t need to work on his physique and sure as fuck didn’t need to take acting classes (he had won an Emmy, hello), but he was so glad to have Poe talking to him that he’d listen to anything the man had to say. 

 

“I’m getting the next role. I promise. Whatever it is, I’m getting it.” 

 

“Of course you will, Poe. You’re the best guy I know.” 

 

Poe looked up, for the first time the despair and exhaustion was being combatted with something else: hope. “So, if I...if I do…” He swallowed audibly, his voice growing so tiny that it was damn near inaudible as he asked: “Then you’ll take me back?”

 

And Finn froze, his thoughts and emotions coming to a screeching halt in his brain. 

 

(No. No no no no no no.) Poe couldn’t have thought that - that he had broken up with him because he didn’t get the Zorro role. That Finn’s love for him was somehow tied into his physical appearance and success an actor, (which, quite frankly, Finn didn’t give two shits about, so long as Poe was happy and healthy and safe). 

 

And, fuck, how had he got it this twisted?

 

Images of Poe turning down his favorite foods, of him spending hours and hours pouring over lines to the point of depriving himself of sleep. Of thinking that he somehow had to  _ earn  _ Finn’s love.

 

Of Poe thinking that he wasn’t good enough for Finn to love. 

 

“Oh my God.  _ Poe.”  _ Finn’s knees no longer supported him as he slowly sunk to the floor, his back against the couch as he buried his head in his hands. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Poe muttered, and he fell to his knees in front of Finn. “I know it doesn’t look like it, but I’ll be a better boyfriend. Just tell me what to do, Finn. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll-”

 

“Stop,” Finn demanded, his voice cracked and the tears he had been fighting so hard to hold back started falling. He lowered his hands, doing nothing to mask the devastation he felt. “This-this whole time you thought I left because you didn’t get a fucking role?”

 

Poe nodded, and the fact that Finn could read the effort Poe was putting forth to keep his emotions in check was breaking the younger man’s heart even further (which at this point, he didn’t think was possible).

 

“Poe, no.” Finn reached out for him, but, thinking better of it, dropped his hands uselessly to his side, though he instantly regretted the action at the heartbreak that fell across Poe’s face. “You’ve always been good enough for me. Too good for me.” 

 

“Then why did you…” Poe’s voice was quiet and unsure, qualities Finn had never attributed to the older man. “You just left.” A loud, shuddering breath. “You wouldn’t tell me why you were leaving and I’ve been going out of my damn mind trying to figure out what I did wrong.” Poe looked at him, his gaze broken, now crying in earnest. “Finn, what did I do wrong?” 

 

Finn could no longer stop himself, standing and closing the distance, pulling Poe into his arms. “Nothing, Rocket Man. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were perfect.” 

 

“You left. I didn’t get the role and then you left, and-”

 

“Shhh. Shhh. I’m sorry.” Finn quieted, cradling the back of Poe’s head, letting the older man hide his face in the crook of his neck. His litany of whispered apologizes blew against Poe’s unkempt hair. 

 

“I had to leave.” Finn admitted after a few long moments. “I was ruining you, Poe.”

 

Poe pulled back abruptly, ignoring how Finn’s arm briefly flexed as if to pull him back in before falling uselessly to his sides. “What the fuck are you talking about?” 

 

“Come on, Poe. We both know I’m not good enough for you.” 

 

“Finn.” Poe looked even more heartbroken than before, his hand going up to caress Finn’s face. “How could you…” He cut himself off, pulling his hand away, looking more and more distraught with each passing moment (and that was the last fucking thing Finn wanted). “I’m sorry.” 

 

“What? Why would you be sorry?” 

 

“Because I didn’t do enough. I should have told you how fucking amazing you are. How you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That I love you.” His voice cracked on the last confession. 

 

“Poe, no. This wasn’t on you. You told me all that, more times than I could count.” He shook his head, having to break eye contact. “You made me so fucking happy.” 

 

“Then why did you leave?” The confusion and heartbreak in Poe’s voice caused Finn’s breath to hitch, barely suppressing a sob. 

 

“I was trying to protect you. Sheev said-”

  
“Sheev? What does he have to do with anything?”

 

Finn swallowed. “He told me that you were getting more hate mail than usual, because of us. That you were losing your appeal to the studios. That…” He swallowed past the lump in his throat, blinking rapidly while looking at the ceiling. “That being with someone like  _ me  _ is why you didn’t get the Zorro part.”

 

“Someone like you?” And Poe’s voice had dropped an octave, an added edge of wrath coloring it. 

 

“Below average loser with a shitty job and no family.” Finn supplied with a shrug, finally daring to meet Poe’s gaze. 

 

Poe’s confusion was slowly turning together, as though he had finally put his last puzzle piece in place only to find that one was missing. Poe muttered something, hands clenching and unclenching into fists, shoulders tensing. 

 

And holy sweet mother of all, Poe suddenly looked furious. He vibrated with rage as he breathed heavily through his nose, teeth grinding together under his narrowed eyes. 

 

WIth no preamble, Poe turned on his heels, grabbing his jacket, still unsteady on his feet, though that did nothing to deter him from storming toward the door. 

 

“Poe. Poe!” Finn hollered after the man, gripping his arm and spinning him around. “What are you doing?” 

 

“What do you think? I’m going to go find Sheev and fire him. Or beat the shit out of him. I haven’t decided yet.” 

 

“Poe, he was just trying to look out for you. That’s his job.” 

 

The anger ebbed out of Poe, his eyes softening as he took Finn in. “Wait, you actually think he was trying to help me by convincing you to leave?”

 

“Well, yeah.” 

 

“Oh,  _ corazon _ .” Poe said softly (and Finn tried to quell the rush of life and happiness that rushed through his veins at the nickname Poe had given him). “He wasn’t. I’ve been trying to take more meaningful roles, less blockbusters, more indies. Take more time to myself. Which means less money for him. He must have blamed you and thought-”

 

Poe cut himself off, shaking his head. He took a step forward, gently running his knuckles over Finn’s cheek before cupping his face. “I am so,  _ so  _ sorry you got caught in the middle of all this. I’m going to go deal with this and then can we talk, okay?”

 

“No. Let’s talk now,” Finn countered softly, leaning his forehead forward to rest against Poe’s. He was still reeling from Poe’s revelation, from the idea that he had been used as a pawn to hurt Poe, but knew that Poe walking out of that door, emotionally compromised and hungover, was a bad idea. “We can deal with Sheev later. I just...I...please don’t go?” 

 

Finn inwardly flinched at the realization that he was parroting back the very same plea Poe had been making when he had left the actor’s home. 

 

Poe smiled softly, it not quite reaching his eyes before he dropped his keys and jacket. “Okay.”  
  


* * *

 

And talk they did. Poe explained to a still confused Finn that he had always gotten hate mail and that his anxiety was due to feeling like he wasn’t challenging himself enough with his movies and, thus was at a standstill.

 

Finn realized that Sheev must have caught wind of his insecurities and obviously used it against him. He confessed that he had never, ever wanted to leave Poe, that he had been miserable since he left (and Poe had merely pulled him into his arms at that confession, even though Finn still didn’t feel worthy of the forgiveness.)

 

But Poe, oddly enough, wasn’t angry. At least not at Finn. (“You got played, baby. It’s not your fault.”) He even admitted that he wasn’t sure why Finn had left, but Sheev had started putting more and more ideas in his head that Finn only wanted him if he was successful and famous, thus getting the agent exactly what he wanted. 

 

Both men apologized profusely, Finn for leaving in the first place and not talking to Poe, while Poe’s were for not having caught sight of Finn’s insecurities and for trusting Sheev. 

 

Finn asked the question that had been making him nauseous since he had arrived: was Poe trying to hurt himself? Was that why he’d been outside?

 

Much to the younger man’s relief, however, Poe rejected the notion. (“No, sweetheart. I just had more to drink then I thought and passed out. The stars...looking at them helped after I lost my parents. Thought maybe they’d help with this too.”)

 

And Finn had outright sobbed at that, at the idea that he had hurt Poe badly enough that he had sought out the same comfort he had after losing his parents. He pulled Poe back into his arms, squeezing tightly as he gave a new wave of apologies. 

 

The two eventually found themselves lying on the mattress, knees pressed together as the continued to talk, Poe’s hand resting possessively on Finn’s hip while the younger man ran his hand through the actor’s hair. 

 

“Why did you want to take smaller roles?”

 

“It’s not even smaller roles. I still want to do some blockbusters, just add some more balance.” Poe admitted. “Just...more socially conscious roles? More representation,  _ accurate  _ representation. And that tends to be common in smaller movies than the tentpole ones. I’m established enough now that my opinion and actions might actually start to change things. Plus, they tend to be more challenging, which I always enjoy.”

 

“And the time off?” 

 

“More time with you. Guess Sheev thought if you were out of the picture it’d be easier to push me around.” Poe chuckled, though there was no humor in it. “Son of a bitch wasn’t wrong.”

 

Finn laced their fingers together, squeezing Poe’s hand gently, expressing a wordless apology.

 

“I should have found out why you left. I could have set this straight a long time ago.” 

 

“Hey,” Finn sat up slightly, lightly grasping his boyfriend’s chin so he’d have to meet his gaze. “You tried. You called and texted and I didn’t answer. This isn’t on you, Poe. You tried, you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

 

“But-”

 

“No.” Finn rested a finger over Poe’s lips to cut him off. “I know you got nice shoulders, but that doesn’t mean have to carry burdens that aren’t yours.” And he counted it as a victory when Poe snorted, a smile gracing his lips. “I left and I’m  _ sorry.  _ I should have just talked to you. Could have saved us both a lot of heartbreak.”

 

Poe paused, studying Finn extensively before he nodded. “I forgive you. But just...if something like this ever happens again, please talk to me. I can’t…” He swallowed loudly, blinking back a new set of tears. “I can’t do this again.” 

 

Finn pulled Poe tighter against him, pressing a kiss to the side of his head, a silent promise that would never leave Poe like that again. 

 

Finn then dropped a kiss to Poe’s eyes, his nose, and finally, his lips.

 

The actor made a high keening sound from his throat as he reciprocated, eyes clenched shut in a hope to hold the tears back. 

 

Before long, Finn found himself on top of Poe, kissing the man senseless. He removed one hand one where it was buried in Poe’s hair before he moved it down the actor’s body, slipping it below the waistband of his pajama bottoms. 

 

The actor pulled away from the kiss, his hands fluttering over Finn’s chest, like he wasn’t sure where to find purchase. 

 

“I don’t think I…” he let out a shaky breath.

 

“Hey.” Finn quickly comforted, tucking a strand of hair behind Poe’s ear and smiling at him warmly. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

 

“I just...I…” Poe’s anxiety was getting the better of him, causing a disconnect, making him unable to find the words he wanted. 

 

“Is it too much?” Finn asked, to which the actor reluctantly nodded. 

 

“Yeah. But, it’s fine. Finny, if you want to…”

 

“No.” Finn demanded firmly. “We’re not going to do that. You’re not going to do something you don’t want to because you think it’ll make me happy. You don’t have to earn me, okay?” He softened his stern tone by planting a kiss on Poe’s forehead. 

 

The older man let out a shaky breath, melting into Finn’s affection. 

 

“What do you need, Poe?”

 

“Will you just hold me?” Poe asked quietly, looking away, as though anticipating Finn’s rejection.

 

“Of course.” 

 

Poe crawled under a the handful of covers beneath them, turning toward the fire as Finn climbed in after, pulling Poe’s back to his chest as he curled tightly around him.

 

Poe rested his hands over Finn’s, yawning as he scooted closer to him. 

 

“Get some sleep, Rocket Man.” Finn prompted, kissing the back of Poe’s neck, the sensation and nickname he’d gone so long without causing him to blink back tears once more. 

 

* * *

 

“The hell is this?” 

 

The shout jerked Poe and Finn from their sleep, the latter already angling his body between Poe and the sound, his instinct to protect shining through. 

 

Although, it might not be Poe that needed the protection, given how Han was glaring at Finn. 

 

“Pops?” Poe asked, obviously confused, rubbing the sleep from his eyes that, Finn noted sadly, were still puffy and blotchy from crying. “What are you doing here?”

 

The two stood slowly, their shoulders touching as they stood side-by-side. 

 

“Well, since you didn’t answer the dozen calls Leia made last night, she got worried, so I came up here to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid.” He glared at Finn before scoffing. “Can see I’m too late for that.”

 

“Han…” Finn started.

 

“Did you just call me Han?” he spat in disgust. 

 

“Pops, hey, come on.” Poe protested, hearing the sharp intake of breath and sensing Finn tense at Han’s disapproval. 

 

Though the younger man had never come out and said it, Poe knew that in the seven months they were together, Finn had come to view Han as a father. And though he adored Leia, something about the common bond of writing had led he and Han to be somewhat closer. 

 

Han stepped forward, a hand on Poe shoulder as he gently pulled him away from Finn, far enough for some sense of privacy, but close enough that the younger man could barely hear their quiet voices.

 

“You okay?” Han asked, placing a hand on both of Poe’s shoulders as he looked him over. “That jackass didn’t hurt you or anything?”

 

“Finn wouldn’t hurt me.”

 

Han met Poe’s gaze with a raised eyebrow that screamed  _ oh, really.  _

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

“Yeah, you look fine.” Han gestured toward Poe’s splotchy face before stopping his assessment, his shoulders sagging in relief that Poe was at least physically fine. “You can’t just disappear like that. After Ben…” 

 

Han sighed, taking in a loud breath. 

 

Poe frowned, reaching up to rest a hand on Han’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I must have forgotten to charge my phone last night.” He ducked his head. “I didn’t mean to worry you.” 

 

Han sighed, pulling Poe to him in a tight hug. “Just don’t do it again, yeah?”

  
Poe nodded against his chest, wrapping his arms tight around Han. The two embraced for a long moment, Han squeezing Poe tightly once before he stepped back, clearing his throat, his ever present scowl finding it’s way back on his face before glaring at Finn.

 

“So, what’s the nerfherder doing here?”

 

Finn shrunk back slightly at Han’s tone.

 

“Hey, come on.” Poe tugged on Han’s arm, trying to draw his attention. 

 

“ _ I’m sorry. _ ” Finn implored, genuine and pleading.  

 

Han scoffed, looking at Finn as though he were the dirt on the bottom of his shoes. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

 

“Pops, that’s enough.” Poe stepped between Han and Finn. “You don’t…” He sighed, rubbing his forehead. “It’s a long story.” 

 

Han glanced at Poe momentarily before glaring back at Finn.

 

“Could you stop?” 

 

“Poe-”

 

“Just, hear him out, okay?” Han looked decisively unimpressed. “Please.”

 

Han reluctantly sighed, tossing his coat aside before sitting heavily in the chair. “Fine. Five minutes.”

 

So, Finn explained everything. 

 

By the end of the story, Finn was emotionally exhausted, his eyes once more welling with tears. 

 

Han had been growing angrier and angrier with each passing moment, finally stood, body coiled and angry. “Son of a bitch.” 

 

“Pops.” Poe’s voice was cautious. “It’s okay.”

 

“It’s not okay, Poe. You expect Leia or I just to sit back while someone treats our family like that?” 

 

Finn’s posture was rigid, voice shaky. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Han looked at him taken aback, before rolling his eyes. “Dumbass.” He muttered, before walking to Finn in two short strides and pulling him into a tight hug.

 

Finn froze, standing passively for a moment before wrapping his arms just as tightly around Han, burying his head in his shoulder. 

 

The two embraced for a long moment before Han pulled back, meeting Finn’s confused gaze. 

 

“You’re family, too,” the screenwriter explained, as though it was common knowledge everyone was already privy to. “Just get your head out of your ass, okay?”

 

Finn nodded, unable to stop the little hiccuping sob that broke free. He gave Han a watery smile as the older man squeezed his shoulder and turned back to Poe. 

 

The two embraced once more, even tighter than before, Han quietly ordering Poe to not blame himself like he was prone to do anytime something went wrong. Poe nodded his assent before Han pulled away. 

 

“You two getting your shit worked out?” Han asked the two, getting nods in response. “Good. When you’re done, swing by the house so Leia can see for her own two eyes you’re alive.” 

  
Poe looked away sheepishly.

 

Han made it to the door. “Oh, and don’t talk to Sheev until you come by the house.”

 

Poe raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

 

“Just, trust me.” He called over his shoulder. 

 

* * *

 

 

When the boys entered Han and Leia’s house the next day, they were shocked to see Luke and Rey there, along with Lando, an old friend of Han’s Poe recognized from the pictures.

 

“Umm, guys.” Poe said, grabbing Finn’s hand and angling his body in front of the his boyfriend’s. “If this is an intervention-”

 

“It’s not an intervention.” Leia said, stepping forward and hugging Poe tighter than any woman of her stature should be capable of. “Don’t you scare me like that again,” she whispered fiercely. 

 

“Sorry, Ma.” Poe returned the hug. 

 

“You okay?” she asked, cradling his face, looking at him sternly.

 

Poe looked toward Finn before smiling warmly. “Yeah, I am now.” 

 

“And you,” Leia glared at Finn before grabbing his face between her hands. “You. Are. Important. And if you need us to remind you of that, let us know. But, don’t you ever pull this shit again.”  Then she pulled Finn into a tight hug. “Poe loves you. Han and I love you. Rey loves you. Don’t ever believe anyone who tells you you aren’t worth it.” 

 

“And if anyone tells you that again, you tell me straight away,” Rey responded, anger clear in her features.

 

“Rey, it’s been handled,” Luke said calmly.

 

She crossed her arms with a huff, before pulling Finn into a tight hug. “Give me the word and I’ll kick that old man’s arse,” she vowed, before walking over to Poe and hugging him as well. “Same goes for you.”

 

“I may take you up on that.” Poe said, pulling away to grab Finn’s hand once more. 

 

“That won’t be necessary.” Luke said, pulling out a small stack of papers. “Poe, I just need you to sign this and it’ll all be taken care of.” 

 

Poe looked at Luke questioningly before glancing at the stack of papers. “Termination of contract.” He flipped through it quickly. “Sheev already signed. How the fuck did you get Sheev to sign?”

 

Luke chuckled. “You should know by now not to underestimate me, nephew.”

 

And, as Poe met his gaze, he was reminded once more of how truly awe-inspiring Luke could be in a courtroom.

 

“It doesn’t help that Dad told him if he didn’t sign the papers, he was sending Aunt Leia in next.” Rey chuckled.

 

“Wait, but if I sign this, then I won’t have an agent?” Poe said, concerned. 

 

“What the hell do I look like to you, chopped liver?” Lando asked, setting down the mug of tea he’d been drinking.

 

“Wait, what?” Poe’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “You? But you’re Lando Calrissian!”

 

“Oh, god, don’t say it like that. It’ll go to his head,” Han said with an eyeroll.

 

“Um.” Finn started quietly, squeezing Poe’s hand. “Who’s Lando Calrissian?”

 

“Me.” Lando answered, as Poe nearly shouted “The most powerful agent in Hollywood.” 

 

“And you want to represent Poe?” Finn asked slowly, sizing Lando up. The knowledge of what Sheev had done to Poe made Finn extra cautious. 

 

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m an old friend of Han’s. Now, I don’t normally mix my private life with my professional one, but when Han explained to me what happened, I made an exception. Told him that Sheev’s a creep and a disgrace to the business, and if Luke could get you out of your contract, I’d be happy to take you on.” 

 

Poe looked between everyone before squeezing Finn’s hand. “I’m dating Finn. I’m not going to try to hide that.”

 

Lando outright laughed at that. “Kid, if I didn’t try to get Leia here to keep her relationship to this scumbag,” he hooked a finger toward Han, “secret, I sure as hell ain’t going to do that to you. Kid’s a lot easier on the eyes than Han ever was.”

 

* * *

 

5 months later:

 

It had been five months since Finn had slept in a bed by himself.

 

Five months since there hadn’t been a pot of coffee waiting for him every morning, brewed with cinnamon and brown sugar to accommodate Poe’s sweet tooth.

 

Five months since Finn started seeing a therapist to work out his self-esteem issues. 

 

Five months since Poe had started working on an indie bio-pic about a LGBT soldier serving before “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was repealed. 

 

Five months since Finn started toying with the idea of writing a children’s book series dealing with self-esteem and family (or lack thereof), and getting out of First Order Publishing. 

 

Five months that Finn had been living with Poe (again).

 

And two months since Poe had been offered the role of Nightwing, which DC planned to build a franchise around (but, shhh, don’t tell anyone, it was supposed to be so hush hush that Poe wasn’t even  _ technically  _ allowed to tell Finn, but, well, he had). 

  
And though it had only been five months, Finn was pretty sure this - waking up next to Poe, stealing sips of coffee and lazy kisses each morning - was the way he wanted the rest of his life to go.

**Author's Note:**

> See? Happy ending! Please don't hate me too much.
> 
> Anyway, as always, I appreciate any and all feedback! Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Come say hi to me on tumblr: sgt-buckys-eyeliner
> 
> And check out my wonder beat-reader/all around fantastic human being's BRAND NEW AO3 ACCOUNT: floatingkhoshekfloats


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